Closing up shop

After five (six? I've lost count...) years, my heart just isn't in crafting 100% anymore. As the indie craft world has changed, I haven't been able to keep up the pace to change with it. I still love making things and will always dabble, but actively producing with the end result of selling (and the marketing that goes with it) just doesn't fit into my life anymore. My day job is more demanding -- and more fulfilling -- than the one I had when I started disCARDS. I'm involved with crafting in a different capacity now, as an organizer and volunteer coordinator for Handmade Arcade. My house has become an endless source of frustration and joy as I've begun to re-focus the creative energy I once dedicated to crafts on decorating and renovating.

I just don't have the time or motivation anymore to be as creative as the new crafters who pop up every day, and though I realize there's not a limit on how many people can be part of the crafting community, I feel like it's time for me to step aside to symbolically to "make room" for some up-and-comers who have a lot more passion and "can do spirit" than I do.

I've taken breaks before, and made statements like the one above many times, but I feel like I need to do something more definitive this time. There just isn't room -- literally and figuratively, in my home and in my life -- for this anymore. Closets and miscellaneous boxes in the attic store an absurd amount of craft supplies and unsold inventory and they're starting to be an energy-suck. I'm struggling with this because I truly love what I've made and don't want to give it away for nothing, but I also need to be practical and MAKE ROOM.

So... what am I making room for? Writing, for one thing. I've started blogging for Teal Cat Project, which I'm really liking. I had missed writing outside of work, and for a while, crafting had filled the creative space that writing once did. I'm also in the brainstorming stages of a new blog about living spaces in TV and movies, where I hope to explore everything from decor to architecture to class signifiers and ways that homes on screen capture the zeitgeist of the time they represent.

I'm also just becoming more mindful of my own personal space, and I'm beginning to feel that my collection of crafting materials is encroaching on that space. I will always love art supplies, ephemera, vintage things, and quirky things. But now, even when I have the cash to spend, I'm choosier on my thrifting excursions, because I think of where the things will ultimately end up. I'm beginning to follow the "one-in/one-out" rule more than I have in the past (not 100%, but I'm getting better at it). It's much easier to "edit" when your house has only four, tiny closets built in 1925. Particularly when you realize that eventually, the attic where you've been dumping everything that doesn't fit in those closets will need to become a functioning room of the house.

That said, I will be appearing at Handmade Arcade for the Holidays on Saturday, November 12 at the David L. Lawrence Convention Center in Downtown Pittsburgh. It may be my last show -- but who knows? In a year, I may feel differently. I'll be selling my usual products, but will be phasing out some items (jewelry, button flowers) once they're gone. I'll also be selling most of my supplies (in the form of "bricolage kits"). After Handmade Arcade, I will be selling most of my remaining supplies. My goal is to only keep the supplies -- mostly card-making materials -- that fit in two or three medium storage bins in my (tiny) home office. If you're interested in any of these materials -- vintage book pages and covers, beads, buttons galore, ribbon, fabric, and more -- please let me know!

I hope to see you at Handmade Arcade! Of course, I'd love to sell out of all my items and see some familiar faces as a proper send-off, but more importantly, I want to see Handmade Arcade packed and full of energy! That's what made me get into crafting in the first place, and no matter what happens to disCARDS, I still want to be part of that and see it thrive.

Thanks for buying my items and reading my blog these past five (or six!) years. It's been fun and I've met some great people along the way! I hope you'll follow me to my next adventure (once I figure out what it is!)

Skating update + Handmade Arcade

In my last post, I spent a lot of time analyzing my goals for skating. As often turns out to be the case when I overthink things, the situation resolved itself, though not in the most favorable way. It may have been skating, or it may just be my lifelong crappy posture, but not long after the roller derby bootcamp, my initial soreness went away and constant back spasms took its place. My neck, shoulder blades, and upper back were in non-stop pain; TMJ symptoms (another chronic issue) came back with a vengeance, and I got daily headaches that felt like a burning sensation at the back of my head. After the pain caused a full week of insomnia, I saw my doctor. Turns out, I'd injured my trapezius, a huge muscle that -- you guessed it! -- runs across the shoulder blades and from the base of the skull to the mid-back. All my problems could be traced to this issue. I was prescribed a heavy-duty anti-inflammatory and muscle relaxers, which knocked me out for the majority of a weekend -- the very weekend of roller derby tryouts.

You know where this is headed, right? I didn't try out. And I don't feel any regrets. A month later, I'm still dealing with the repurcussions of this strained muscle, going to PT twice a week, and still not feeling up to much physical activity. There's no way I could've tried out and made it -- and if I had, I would be in such excruciating pain, it's doubtful I would've stuck with it for long. But still... I feel a void. I really miss skating. I even dream about it occasionally (last night's dream involved tracking down someone who stole my wheels -- and trying on replacement teeth?!) I'm hoping I make enough progress with my therapy to get in a couple outdoor skating sessions this summer, at the very least.

I felt like an update on the skating was due, since I left everything hanging last time (I'm big on closure.) But I really wanted to write today about how I've been passing the time without skating -- namely, promoting & preparing for Handmade Arcade.

Since 2006, I've been a vendor at HA, and since 2009, I've been an organizer of the event. The spring show will be the biggest and best Handmade Arcade yet! 120+ vendors will fill Hall D at the David L Lawrence Convention Center in downtown Pittsburgh. The show runs from 11 am to 7 pm. An Early Birdie Pass (available for $15) grants you access to a less-crowded shopping experience. Early Birdies get first dibs on amazing handmade items from 10 - 11 am; only 200 Early Birdie passes will be sold, so get yours today! This year we also have an impressive roster of live craft demonstrations and make-and-take activities in the Hands On Handmade area. And of course, disCARDS will be there, selling the usual (cards, stickers, jewelry), plus a few surprises. Hope to see you there!

My roller-skating identity crisis

I need to write about skating more often. I'm hoping that writing it down will help me figure out just what I want out of it, because I change my mind a dozen times a day, and it's starting to drive me crazy. In the past month and a half, I've gone skating maybe four or five times. After my first fall, I lost a lot of confidence. One puzzling thing about my falls is that when they happen, I can pick myself up and push through, but the next session always gets me: I start out shaky and obsess over obstacles, worried about how my next fall will happen. I keep my head down and my eyes fixed on the floor. My shins throb. My body goes stiff. I try everything I know to self-soothe and give myself mental pep talks, but I usually just let my nerves get the best of me and creep along till the last half hour of a session, when I can usually squeeze out a couple decent laps out of sheer desperation.

I've fallen, on average, once a session since that first fall. That first fall opened the floodgates. It also triggered something in me that I really don't like, and can't seem to work around. When I try to think about it rationally, I realize I'm not scared of falling -- it's happened (obviously) and I always come out of it OK. I've gotten bruises, sure, but nothing major. But those falls have had a symbolic impact that runs deeper than their physical effects. I'm more hesitant to try new things. I'm much more cautious. I'm overthinking it, and I know it, but I don't know how to not think about it. And then I think about not thinking. I stiffen up. And then I fall. Rinse. Repeat.

It's frustrating, but I'm trying to work through it. I'm just not sure why.

At one point after I started skating, a friend got it in my head that I should try out for roller derby. I've felt conflicted about it ever since. I love the idea of having a built-in community and the potential to build new relationships through a shared interest. I love the idea of friends, family, and co-workers coming out to cheer me on. I love that it's the complete opposite of what people -- including myself -- expect from me. But that's just it: I feel like I'm in love with the idea of it. I think I latched onto it so quickly because it gave me direction and purpose. Instead of just skating aimlessly around an oval for a few hours on the weekends, I'd be skating towards a goal.

But working towards roller derby as a goal is starting to feel like just that: work. I loved the stress relief of skating, but ever since the (however abstract) goal of roller derby came into the picture, I've started to feel like it's becoming a cause of my stress. I don't want to quit. I want to keep skating as long as I'm physically able. And I want to learn and improve (I still can't do a proper crossover, and I'll be damned if I quit before I do!) I just don't know that I want to take it to the next level with hours and hours of intense weekly practice, dues, endless equipment upgrades, and an even higher risk of injury.

I attended a roller derby bootcamp this past Saturday. I'm still sore. Sore to the point that I waddle when I walk and have to pick up my ankle with my hands to sit cross-legged. I'm proud of myself for making it this far, but keep wondering: is this far enough? Am I letting others down if this is as far as I take it? And why do I care so much about letting other people down? If I don't go beyond casual skating, is it because of a character flaw, or a re-evaluation of my priorities? I often feel the same about crafts, which makes me wonder if I'm just lazy.

Sometimes, I worry about trying out and not making it. Lately, I'm just as worried about trying out and making it -- because that would mean commitment. So... am I a flake, or just someone who knows her limits?

Blood on the Rink Floor

Yesterday was my first time back at the skating rink since late November -- and my last time skating on my "Franken-skates" (13-year-old Chicago artistic boots, one size too large, modified with Radar Cayman wheels -- a set-up I've since learned is not only an odd combination, but also very poor quality.)

Crappy as they may be, these skates have served me well. Any issues I've had have come from my own lack of coordination or skill. Until yesterday. That was pure karma.

After the public session yesterday, there was to be a roller derby bootcamp for our local league. I noticed two girls come in about an hour after I got to the rink for the public session, decked out head to toe in derby gear, including cutesy knee socks, tights, running shorts, and slick low-boot skates, and I knew they must have been practicing for the bootcamp. I was a bit intimidated at first, but I quickly realized neither of them could skate their way out of a paper bag. I started to get cocky and a few petty thoughts entered my mind: thoughts about these girls being spoiled, privileged posers. And then, before I knew it: BOOM! I had my first fall. I'm not sure what hit first -- or how I fell -- but somehow I managed to hit my knees, wrists/forearms, and chin in one fell swoop. I felt like Ralphie in A Christmas Story when he broke his glasses and thought he shot his eye out -- I was convinced I'd knocked out a tooth, so my first move before pulling myself up was to run my tongue over my teeth and make sure they were all there and intact. My lip felt a little sore, so I poked at it with my finger -- and my finger came back bloody. This was a pivotal moment. I've never played a contact sport (or any sport, for that matter) in my life. Never learned all those cliche lessons of toughening up and learning from the pain. But in that one moment, all those lessons flooded to me and I felt a zen-like calm. I also felt empowered. A little girl asked me if I was OK; I said yes and smiled through my puffy, split lip, then skated off to clean the blood. Any other time, the second someone asked me if I was OK, I would instantly realize I wasn't and start to cry. But not yesterday. Injuring myself made me realize I'd been through what I'd been fearing most and I came out the other side stronger. My bloody lip was proof I'd been through something -- and ya know what, it wasn't so bad.

Today, I'm typing this through two wrist braces. My knees are sore and my lip is still swollen. But I can't wait to go home to my new Sure-Grip Rebel Fugitives on my doorstep tonight, and I'm even more excited to try them out at a new rink on Wednesday evening.

New year, new __________.

I'm always scared to announce my New Year's Resolutions in a public forum (or even out loud, for that matter). I feel like I'll jinx them. When you come from a family in which everyone goes out the same doors they came in, and when you grew up with your grandmother saying "hot bread and butter!" every time an obstacle came between the two of you, it's hard not to be superstitious about ANNOUNCING ALL THE WAYS YOU ARE GOING TO TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE. On the INTERNET, no less.

Anyway. I will say this much: I think 2011 is going to be a great year. Of course, I'm still awash in the early-new-year glow. I've flossed for three days straight. I re-started a food diary. I've cooked two new, healthy recipes. I ordered new skates. And I've added events to my calendar, hoping that writing them in ink will give me the motivation to go to a gallery opening instead of staying home to watch Arrested Development on DVD for the 1,007th time, or to go to a roller derby bout on a Tuesday instead of hunkering down on the couch after dinner. (At age 30, I still have the mentality that weeknights are "school nights" and rarely venture out to do anything more than go out to eat -- and I don't even do that unless it's a Thursday. So going out on a Tuesday night is momentous.)

I'm sure that soon I'll tire of the slushy roads, the dark mornings, and the bitter cold and not feel a lick of motivation to do much of anything this winter. But at least right now I have some hope. If I can make myself floss, I can make myself do anything.

Why'd It Take Me So Long?

I've just had a realization: Although I love to write (and in some form, have been doing it for a living for close to seven years), I don't enjoy writing this blog. I see it as a chore, a means to an end. Why?

When I started this blog, it was one of several vehicles to promote disCARDS, my craft business. I know that writing about personal subject matter is more appealing and interesting than writing about crafts day in and day out, but I wasn't so sure I wanted to get personal.

This blog has chugged along in fits and starts while I tried to decide what my focus is, and if this blog even needs a focus. My life has changed, but I struggled against it, trying to keep this a constant. It's named after disCARDS after all -- how much other stuff can I write about? And more importantly: Who cares?

Earlier this month, I turned 30. Though this age feels no different than 29 (or 28, or 27, or 26...) in a lot of ways, in some ways it feels like a turning point. I feel like I'm at a pivotal stage where my life could go so many ways, and it's just up to me to flip to the next page, like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. I'm struggling to balance what People (capital P intentional) expect of me and what I expect of myself -- do I throw myself into my career and climb the ever-looming ladder of "success" (eh, probably not), focus more intently on crafting, find a new hobby (roller derby, perhaps?), start a family? And how do I reconcile what I choose with who I've been to this point and what society, family, and friends expect of a (relatively) smart, mature, responsible 30-year-old woman?

This is the stuff that's on my mind these days. And this is a hell of a lot more interesting to me than once-in-a-blue-moon updates about what's stocked in my Etsy shop. Finally, I want to write again. Yes, I'll write about crafts once in a while -- they are part of my life. But so are my relationships with friends, family, and my husband; my rediscovered love of roller-skating (and my wishy-washy, on-again/off-again desire to try out for roller derby); my interest in home design/decorating, cooking, thrift-shopping, and good beer. As I move forward in "adult" life, I wrestle with what I should be and what I want to be, and though I'll continue being a responsible woman who goes to work and gets things done, I'll always love other stuff -- and I'll always want to share that with likeminded people. Ever since I was a teenager, I've been interested in identity (of course, everyone is as a teenager!) and even though I've always known that a person is so much more than a patchwork of interests, I've always held a fascination with the ways the things we like define us in some way -- and connect us to the people who are like us.

So that's what this blog will be about.

Whoa, I have an Etsy shop again!

Reopened the shop after a 10-month hiatus this week.

There's a mix of old and new items, including an amazing sale section of older inventory that I'm itching to clear out to make room for newer items. Sale items are half the original price!

I'm also offering grab bags of cards. So far, I have a mystery grab bag of 3 cards listed, but I hope to offer them in varying quantities and themes soon!

I've been toying around with the idea of starting a Card of the Month Club in my shop, since, no matter how many other crafts I dabble in, I always return to cards, and I have tons of supplies just waiting to be transformed. I hope to set it up in time for the holidays -- a 12-month subscription would make a great gift!